Tears began rolling down Angie’s cheek. Again.
They didn’t come as a surprise. It happened often during yoga; her quiet moments. “Quiet. Riiight.” The thought of quiet made her eyes roll. There hasn’t been a quiet thought in her head for years.
She laughs, remembering the hilarious YouTube thing someone posted. This Pastor shares scientific data on the communication differences between men and women and they were Spot. On. Funny! He said women have so many left over words at the end of the day, their brain is still processing data while they sleep.
“I’ve been feelin’ that for a looong time.” She sniffs, trying to maintain the Tree position. “Not that anyone’s listening.”
Angie’s inner eye moves to her spine, re-directing the positions’ strength from the back to the abdomen The trick is to release tension from shoulders to tailbone. Deep breath…she hopes her soft abdomen will tighten to maintain her shaky balance. Lately, her abdomen has grown a bit more abdomen-ly. Hence, the Tree position.
“Another full circle. I see what you did there!” Smiling, she lowers her right leg in relief. Angie often chatted with God during yoga. She didn’t have the patience for meditation; she preferred cuttin’ the chase on just about everything.
Angie wasn’t a church-going, Sunday-come-to-meeting type of woman. She wasn’t against the idea, either. Right now, she was too damn tired of fighting to get there.
That didn’t mean God left her or she left Him. Some of Angie’s biggest–Ah Ha! Now I Get It!– moments happen while cleaning windows with the radio on! Revelations through classic rock; it was so Angie.
But not the tears. The majority of her 50 years have been spent living in a glass half full. Literally and figuratively.
She clung to yoga and private conversations, her last safe escape. Money, illness, life…and now this. The hits keep coming.
“How could she not see?” She asks aloud. “To everyone, I’m her best friend. We’ve been through horrible crap together!” Standing on her tip-toes, her knees crackle and pop like Rice Krispies in milk. Moving into the Chair position, adding “Well, You know.”
“She hasn’t taken any consideration for my feelings. She doesn’t even know that she has–and is–hurting me deeply. A lot!”
Finding it impossible to cry and hold position; Angie sits, grabbing a kleenex from the box next to the mat. Tissue has become part of her yoga gear for the last three years.
Angie gives in, sobbing uncontrollably. Again. She was so tired.
There was the voice. The clear, calm voice that parts the storm of lightning thoughts flashing through her mind. His voice, coming from her core.
“Why don’t you tell her?”
“You know if I do that, it will only add to her burdens. She has too many already and now she feels the loss as well. Nothing good will come of it. Better to keep things quiet than make things worse.”
“What about you? You have many problems as well. Why would you choose to pay this price when it could very well break you?”
“Because now she walks my path. Adding to that is too much a price to pay for my feelings.” Angie lifts her head, blowing her nose. “It will only break her heart. I couldn’t bear to hurt her that way.”
Cocking her ear to the left, a wry smile appears. “In spite of what my reputation.”
“You can not carry this pain. What are you going to do?”
Standing for The Chair once more, Angie replies, “What can I do? It’s not like a counselor is even an option right now. Even if the money was there (and it’s not), what would a counselor do? Probably tell me to “let it go”. If I could just “let it go”, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, right?”
“Have I not been with you; listening and guiding in spite of your choices?”
“Always. Thank you for that again, by the way. Did you know that sometimes the only way I can get through yoga is by visualizing Christ on the cross? If He can do that, I can Triangle for 3 minutes.”
“So that was your take away? 5,480 blows so you can Triangle.”
“You’re making it sound less than awesome when you put it that way. It’s supposed to be a small way of honoring You!” Her knees creak as she shifts her feet. “Why you went through all that for me personally? That’s a tough one. Sooo, I try to push myself in small things to thank you”
“Then why aren’t you giving this burden….your pain…to me?”
Angie stops. Breathless. Speechless while her brain processes.
How could she not see?
Fresh tears rain down Angie’s cheeks. “To everyone, You are my best friend. You’ve stayed with me through good and bad. I hadn’t even considered you’re sacrifice or even giving it to you. It must have hurt you deeply! I’m so sorry!” Angie cried, “A lot!”
“See what I did right there? Full circle, my friend.”