That’s right, I met that deadline and followed directions–with 34 minutes to spare. Woot!
My Farding Drone
Yvette Elrod
“Hi Dad.”
“Hey there little man. What’s in the box?”
“It’s my new invention for Mom. Her farding is out of control.”
*snort* “What are you talking about, buddy?”
“Far-Ding with a D. You can find it on Dictionary.com. Check your phone. See?”
fard
Archaic
noun
facial cosmetics.
verb
to apply cosmetics to (the face)
“Mom’s been farding on her face! That’s hilarious!”
“Farding is serious business. I’ve been late for three practices because of Mom’s farding, and she still comes out looking the same! Now Coach benched me and this game’s gonna be a squeaker. I let the whole team down.”
“You’re right, Little Man. It stinks. Sure knocked the wind out of us. Y’know, Mom’s pretty embarrassed and a bit ashamed.”
“Well, that’s me on the bench. After Saturday, it’ll be all hind-sight. Introducing Poof! The Farding Drone.”
“Aaack! Is that my quadcopter!?”
“Yep! I’ve modified The Predator to create Poof. I did it for the team, Dad. Look, it’s customized specifically for Mom. It features state-of-the art spray technology for rapid fire results. I designed it myself, re-purposing stuff from around the house. I finally found the quadcopter; someone laid it under a blanket!”
“You don’t say.”
“Poof was a breeze to re-construct; although I had to cut one upgrade from my original plan. The prototype for the glitter bomb release valve needs recalibrating. Sure wasn’t fun being on the back end of that explosion!”
“I’m guessing those fumes were toxic. Tell me your goggles, mask and an open window were involved.”
“Check, check and check.”
“What the heck…are those dangerous?”
“Poof’s robotic arms are silent, but not deadly. I retrofit them together using parts from Sissie’s robot kitty, the carbon fiber tent poles, and old radio parts.”
“Please tell this is not Fluffer-cat.”
“Yes and no. Kitty was an obnoxious carpet creeper, Dad. It’s not like Sissies’ Fluffer-cat is gone. Kitty is re-purposed, upgraded and functional.”
“I hope for your sake you didn’t attempt to sneak this by Sissie without asking.”
“Sissie’s been farding for months now. Only, she looks like someone stepped on an overly-viscous frog. Poof can help and technically Sissie will still be playing with Fluffer-cat.”
“The worst part was gathering gross intel for the programming. Initially, the best resource came from the baby cam installed in your bathroom.”
“Wait. Babycam?”
“Hear me out, Dad. Since Mom’s farding is pretty bland, there’s not much color or variety. I decided to research YouTube. At first it was treading muddy water.”
“You still are. Let’s go back to the babycam. How long and where is the memory card?”
“Do you realize the thousands of farding videos are posted each day on YouTube? It’s exhausting. Everyday farding, farding for special occasions, even holiday farding. Bombshell: this year, Mom’s Halloween look is gonna clear the room! BOOM!”
“That doesn’t answer the question, son.”
“I decided to cut it down: 174 farding styles and combined with Moms’ videos and then dropped them into Poof’s microchip. And the drone camera’s memory card. But there was only footage between 7 am – 9 am for a couple days. It’s for Poof’s facial recognition.”
“I predict another bombshell dropping before then.”
“Once the intel loaded, I began programming the arms to replicate detailed farding movements from the videos.”
“Farding arms. I’m flabber-gassed.”
“Good one, Dad. Not only that. Poof! has state-of-the art scan and spray capabilities for rapid fire results. It’s manned with an arsenal of my patent-pending washable cosmetic tattoo formula, all contained in these bladder reservoirs.“
“The balloons! I wondered. Did you say patent-pending?
“Yep. Mom’s morning fards fade by dinner. With my new tattoo formula, colors stay on until washed away with Poof’s! Farding Cleanser. It’s a combination of all the makeup in Mom’s drawer, her cosmetic primer and my 3D pen. Take a peek; I just finished loading all the concoctions!”
“For everyone’s safety, Poof automatically powers down in moving vehicles. Farding and driving can cause a tail end blow out.”
“I think you mean rear-end collision.”
“In the final analysis, Poof! will blow the doors off our “Bus is Leaving” time. We’ll be leaving skid marks blasting out the door.”
“I have to admit, that would be breath of fresh air.”
“Dude, you’re cracking me up! Snort. Sigh. Hmmm. Do you think Mom will like it, Dad?”
“I don’t think there will be a dry eye in the house, Little Buddy. “
“Thanks Dad. Last one in smells like a rotten egg!”
Sorry about the potty humor, I’m not a scientificky kind of girl. But I am late quite often….
After months, I’ve finally opened my Etsy shop–even made my first sale! It’s time for me to part with all my craft show / bazaar goodies and make room, for the next batch of craft / bazaar projects taking up space in the garage.
Housewife Hair (operating on user error) 